Changing Careers

Today was a lot like most days.
But it was also a bit different.

Chad changed careers, so to speak.

After picking Cailyn up from preschool, Chad and I ventured to his office.
He cleaned out his cubicle and turned in his ID badge.
We had been discussing it for a while, and he decided he had put it off long enough.

A few friends helped him box up everything from his career in civil engineering.
Those seven canary-yellow boxes now reside in our mudroom, stacked half-way up the wall.
And there they will sit until we locate the  determination to find a permanent location for their contents.

Books. Calculators. Rulers.
(Which I’m sure all have fancier professional names than that…)

We spoke to a few of Chad’s co-workers and I entertained Cailyn while Chad’s boxed-up career was loaded into the back of our van.

Was it hard?
Absolutely.
Chad worked so hard and genuinely enjoyed going to work before he was diagnosed.
He was always thinking of ways to do his job more effectively and help others do the same.
He studied and sacrificed so much to complete his Master’s Degree and Professional Engineering license.

My neighbor & I were talking yesterday afternoon, and he said something that validated a topic I’d been pondering lately.

He said, “You know, Skye, sometimes bad things happen. But who’s to say that it’s not really a good thing? God doesn’t make mistakes….Chad no longer works. But that means he’s home with you and the girls.”

And it’s absolutely true.
God does not make mistakes.
He makes statements.
And sometimes we struggle to determine the meaning behind it all.
I know what God wanted to share with us this time:

This is not the end of his career.
It’s the beginning of a new one.

He is with US.
He’s a Full Time, Stay-at-Home Dad.
And a Full Time, Stay-at-Home Husband.

We’ll have more memories.
We’ll have more laughs.
We’ll just have…Chad.
We’ll have more time.
More time together.

I just hope Chad doesn’t expect me to pay him.
I forgot to mention it was a non-paid position when he accepted my offer.

Comments

skye, March 11th 2010 | Posted in Chad, Chatter

Bracelets & Business Cards

Today, the UPS man delivered two things that I’ve been waiting on – Chad’s bracelets and my new photography business cards!

I always wear a yellow Livestrong bracelet, but it’s now being replaced with Chad’s gray version. (Gray is the color of the Brain Cancer Awareness ribbon.) I will have them available the day of Chad’s fundraiser — or you can shoot me an email if you’d like one before then. One for $3 or two for $5. I’ll mail ‘em to ya if you throw in the cost of a stamp :) .

We’re also working on a t-shirt to be available at Chad’s fundraiser (and hopefully earlier by pre-order).
More details to come as they are available.

cards bracelets 003
And, I’ve also been changing things around with my photography business.
There is a new site (that I’m still working on, by the way, so don’t hold it against me). Enliven Designs will be pointing to the new site soon – and I still offer all the same things. I’m just shifting to focus of my site to be more photography-based.

cards bracelets 001

Comments

skye, March 8th 2010 | Posted in Chad, Chatter

What we learned yesterday

I wasn’t able to update much yesterday. It seems kind of silly that I didn’t update much yesterday, given that we were very late for every appointment and spent the majority of our day waiting. I left my laptop in the van because  I didn’t think I’d have the opportunity to update the blog since we were so late after the MRI.
Note to self: Skye, always take your laptop, even in the off chance that you may be able to use it.

What we learned from the MRI:
1- Always bring a snack. The MRI Center will run behind if you need to be somewhere else on campus.
2- Always bring the power cord for your laptop with you in the off chance that you will be waiting SO long your battery dies.
3- Have the MRI peeps call the doctor that you will be seeing next to let them know why you’re late…to avoid a late fee or canceled appointment. (Oh, that was a fabulous thought on my part! We avoided both scenarios!)

After our extended stay in the MRI Center, we drove over to the Cancer Center to see Dr. T. We were only an hour late.
And he was already behind, which he usually is. Our appointment was at 1:30. We arrive at 2:30. And we didn’t actually see Dr. T until 4:00.

Things we learned from Dr T:
1- Chad’s MRI is okay. No noticeable tumor regrowth.
2- Chad’s ventricles are finally the appropriate size – so the shunts are working!
3- Chad needs an increase in seizure medication.
4- Chad is a mystery. They can find nothing on the MRI that would make him have all the issues he is having.
5- The growth on Chad’s chest (where the shunt tubing was rerouted to the lung through his pectoral muscle) is likely a spinal fluid collection from the shunt tube. Which means it’s damaged in some way and will likely need to be replaced. We were sent to get a chest x-ray to confirm.
6- The irritation Chad is feeling from the second shunt tubing is going to have to wait. Basically, his body sees the tube as a foreign body and just needs some more time. Maybe a couple more months. If it’s still bothersome, we have a few choices.
7- We don’t have to go back until September for a 6-month MRI…unless we need to before then. See items 5 and 6 above – I’m sure we’ll be back before September.

The grand lesson there? Chad is a mystery. And Dr. T has NO clue why he feels so bad.

We got out of Dr. T’s office and went down one floor to see Dr. L, a Hematologist. To be honest, Chad & I didn’t really know why we were going there. But Dr. T wanted us to talk to Dr. L; a specialist in how medications react with the body. If anyone would be able to help or get us on the right track, it should be Dr. L.
Our appointment was at 3:45 and we actually arrived at 4:30. We saw Dr. F first, then Dr. L entered and discussed a few things with us.

Things we learned from Dr. L:
1- Chad, most likely, is experiencing the long-term effects of chemo, radiation, and a combination of all other drugs he’s taken over the last two years. It is, most likely, permanent.
2- There are a few medications Dr. L suggested we try….under the care of Chad’s neurologist in Raleigh.
3- Dr. T and Dr. L want Chad’s neurologist to take over all seizure and pain management medications.
4- There may be a hormonal imbalance (caused by radiation and chemo) that are causing a few of Chad’s problems. They need to analyze a blood sample.
5- Dr. L is not taking Chad on as a patient right now — because he feels we would be better served to stay local in the Triangle. (Which is good news; but also frustrating. WHY did we meet with him then?)
6- Trial & Error is what we are reduced to. We will try different meds and see what happens. And let me just mention that most of these medications need to be given a full 6-8 weeks to determine if they are effective. Not really fair in my book. But it’s our only option at this point.
7- Chad is a mystery. There is nothing on the MRI to indicate why he’s feeling so bad.

The whole appointment with Dr. L probably took about 45 minutes, waiting time included.
Then we were whisked over to the lab for a blood draw. Can you imagine how hard is it to get a phlebotomist to  come to the Cancer Center to draw blood after 5pm? All the clinic phlebotomists were off duty, so we had to wait for a hospital employee to come do it. It was a little difficult. Someone finally came and drew blood and we were on our way….to x-ray!

The “day” hospital closes at 5pm, like most businesses. So we had to go to inpatient radiology — and we had to get a map to show us where, deep in the bowels of the actual hospital, it was located. We made our way there — only to be greeted by a very nice (and talkative) fellow Johnston County native. She discovers that Chad’s x-ray orders are not entered into the system yet, and she starts calling Dr. T’s office. It’s after 5pm. No one is there. Or course.
But she does track down the Attending Physician and promises to get some orders in the system STAT.

At this point, Chad is pretty tired and he needs his medications. We decide to go get his meds (in the van — aaaallllllll the way on the other side of the campus) and then get something to eat. It’s about 6:00 at this point.
On the way to get his meds, Chad feels a seizure coming on. It never materialized, thank goodness.
He has problems walking down stairs — and wouldn’t you know we met every flight of stairs on the way to the parking lot? He nearly fell a few times, but was caught by the railing.

He gets his meds.
We go to the cafeteria to eat.
We go back to x-ray.
And they promptly call his name — it’s the first thing that has gone quickly all day long!
He is in & out in about 10 minutes.
We burn rubber to the van and hit the road. Finally. At 7pm.

Needless to say, I was exhausted when we got home.

What is the biggest thing we learned yesterday? Did you sense a trend?
Chad is a mystery. And no one knows what to do next.
They don’t know how to make him feel better or IF they can make him feel better.
I am frustrated. Not really mad (yet), but disappointed that our options seem so limited.

However, I am also thankful.
Chad is still here. He is still a fighter. And we still do have options, even though they seem limited.
And the MRI finally showed that his ventricles are working — and there is no tumor regrowth yet.

Comments

skye, March 5th 2010 | Posted in Chad, Chatter

Appointment Day: Thurs, March 4

We left home this morning and dropped the kids off, just like normal.
As soon as I dropped Cailyn off at preschool, we hit I-40 and made our way to Winston-Salem.
We made a stop to grab a bite to eat at 10:45, and we arrived right at 11:30 for Chad’s appointment.
I filled out his paperwork because his hands start to shake pretty badly if he has to write any more than his name.

He was called back around 12noon. I’ve been busying myself with little things I’ve been neglecting; and soon realized it was 1:20. I thought, fo sure, he’d be out by now. When I asked what was going on, I was told that Chad didn’t actually get into the MRI machine until 1:05. Yikes.

We have an appointment at 1:30 with Dr. T — and we’re going to be LATE.
I think we have enough of a buffer that we won’t be late for our 3:45 appointment with Dr. L — I certainly hope so, at least.

He’s feeling okay today, I guess. It’s hard to tell sometimes because he is so quiet. He’s tired and his head hurts, which is pretty normal for him, unfortunately.

I’ll update again after we see Dr. T!

Comments

skye, March 4th 2010 | Posted in Chad, Chatter

More surgery in our future

But this time, it’s for Carys!

I took Carys to the ENT yesterday afternoon, fully aware that we would probably leave with a recommendation for a second set of ear tubes. She had ear tubes placed in January 2008. The first tube came out on it’s own a little over a year later. She immediately started having trouble with the ear. But it wasn’t a constant problem.
Then, the other tube was removed this past Summer. Within a month, she was in the doctor’s office with an ear infection.
She has had one at least once every month and half since then.
Poor girl.
We’ve been through all the antibiotics, and even started from square one with her meds.
Nothing helps. It seems it takes the edge off the infection, but doesn’t quite kill it!
About two weeks ago, Carys had a nasty little ear infection that perforated her ear drum. She has a very high pain tolerance and doesn’t complain until something really hurts…obviously.
The ear drum is healing well and she passed a hearing test with flying colors — but she still has a lot of fluid in both ears.

I knew ear tubes would be brought up again.
But I didn’t even think that the surgeon would recommend removing her adenoids, too. I should have thought about it, knowing that adenoids and ear problems often go hand-in-hand.

Let’s just say that Carys is less than thrilled about having surgery.
She is excited, however, to know that she’ll be on a strict soft food diet for a few days after surgery.
“Mommy…is ice cream a soft food? Because I think it is. But not broccoli.”

+++

Tomorrow, Chad & I make the much anticipated voyage to Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center.
We are packing a bag, just in case we need it.
It would not surprise me if he stayed a night or two and had a little surgery himself on Friday.
I’m not hoping that happens, but I’m going to be prepared.
Nothing surprises me these days, especially the outcome of these trips to Winston-Salem.

I was surprised, however, to learn that Chad had a seizure last night while I was at a business meeting.
He has been enjoying leisurely strolls through the neighborhood lately. Sometimes I go with him, but he’s usually fine on his own and agrees to stay on our street for the most part.
Last night though, he had a seizure at the beginning of his walk. Thankfully, he hadn’t gotten far from home when it hit and two of our neighbors were able to help him back home. My mom was here with the girls and was able to fend off  two very inquisitive little girls.
He wasn’t able to speak or walk for quite some time afterward, and I hate that I wasn’t here. I know that I can’t do anything to prevent or help him – but he’s also never had one when in the presence of anyone but me or medical staff. I just like to see it for myself; to judge how “bad” it was, if that makes sense.
I should have known that another seizure would be coming since the last one wasn’t that bad, at all.
He’s feeling okay today, but is tired and has a more pronounced headache.

+++

I’ll probably update frequently tomorrow, as it will be a long day and I won’t have much to do besides wait for test results and appointments.

Comments

skye, March 3rd 2010 | Posted in Chad, Chatter, the girls

Unspoken Languages

Chad & I have this unspoken language between us.
For example, when we were housebreaking our sweet little leaky puppy (long before we had to housebreak our sweet little leaky kids),we would just give each other a look. We each knew we wanted to scream,”THERE HAVE BEEN NO ACCIDENTS TODAY! SHE DIDN’T PEE ON THE FLOOR TODAY!” Yet, we knew the instant we birthed the words from our mouths, that sweet little puppy would leak. So, we just gave each other the look instead. We knew what we wanted to say. We just dare not say it out loud.

Chad & I dance around the topic of seizures much the same way as we did the leaky puppy. When we talk about it, he inevitably has one. So, we just don’t talk about them to keep those pesky moments away.
Now, I know this isn’t really, technically, helping prevent his seizure activity.
They either will or will not happen. But we like to pretend we have some control over this whole situation sometimes.

Chad hasn’t had a seizure since December 26 – the morning after Christmas. So, he was due one I suppose.
I hadn’t said it out loud, and neither had Chad. But we both get a little antsy when we get around the two-month mark with no seizure activity. For some reason, his body has a seizure clock set at two months.
And this Saturday was his day, so to speak.

My mom had taken the girls outside to play earlier. I hadn’t joined them for long, maybe 10 minutes, before we got cold and the neighbors had to leave – so we moseyed back inside. When I had left him 10 minutes earlier, Chad was  putting the dishes away. I fully expected to see him in the chair in the living room — because the Matrix was on. He can’t resist watching, even though he’s seen it about 28 times.

But, no.
I was the first to enter from the garage and heard something from the kitchen. It didn’t register what the noise was – I just knew it wasn’t a normal noise. As I stepped into the kitchen, I saw Chad on the floor. I told my mom to keep the girls in the mudroom. She already knew. It’s just another unspoken language. The girls and my mom went upstairs as  I sat with Chad on the kitchen floor.

Although all of his seizures aren’t good, this one wasn’t bad…Chad was able to talk through it. There was no fixed stare or teeth gnashing. I was able to ask him if he had fallen or hit his head — and he didn’t. His head was so close to the edge of the hutch, I was afraid he may have hit it when he came down. He told me he barely had enough warning time to get down to the floor before he lost control of his body. Oh, but he did have time! Thank goodness.
We changed his position a bit so he was more comfortable and just waited for his body to calm down. It was only a few minutes, but those minutes often seem like an eternity.

He quickly rebounded this time. He had some brief weakness on his right side, but it didn’t keep him from standing by himself soon after the convulsions stopped.

And then, there was another little unspoken conversation between us.

We both broke out into laughter!
I had noticed a package of cookie dough on the counter when I walked in this kitchen.
But I hadn’t put the whole scene together until just then.
When Chad stood up, he headed right to the cookie dough.
The seizure was over — and he was going to finish what he started in the kitchen….and then watch The Matrix.

Such is life.
Let the bad stuff be done.
And get on with it!

Comments

skye, February 22nd 2010 | Posted in Chad

Mark your calendars!

Back in the Spring, my best friends (and fabulous neighbors) asked if they could organize a fundraiser for us.
Well, it may have taken Chad & I a while to think about it…and you can finally mark your calendars!

Chad’s fundraiser will be Saturday, April 24, at Garner Advent Christian Church.
You can buy tickets in advance, and I strongly encourage you to do so.
Please send an email to the Jones bunch if you are interested in ticket presales or volunteering the day of the event.

We appreciate your support and can’t wait to see you all there!
More details as soon as they are available.

Comments

skye, February 19th 2010 | Posted in Chad, Chatter

An ordinary day turns extraordinary

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” — Hebrews 11:1

Today was a special day.
I had lunch with Care Bear at school, and then I gleefully fulfilled my duties as guest reader for C’s kindergarten class.
Carys has been so excited all week – she couldn’t stand the suspense.
I kept hearing “Is today the day? Or tomorrow? Which day!?!?“; a constant little loop of a conversation.
She picked out the books she wanted me to take to school – and then changed her mind a katrillion times. Or maybe just three times. But it felt like a katrillion.

It was a sweet moment. And I made so many new little friends, too.
It also opened my eyes. I’ve been so worried about how affectionate Carys is.
Don’t get me wrong – she’s a sweet, caring, delightful little girl. But, sometimes, I think she’s a little too friendly. A little too quick to hug & kiss EVERYONE.
But today, I discovered many kindergartners are that way.
I’m not raising a Little Lolita, after all.

That, by itself, was a great day.

Then afterward, it was a normal day for me.
I ran some errands.
Checked off some items from my own honey-do list.
Picked up some groceries.
Got home and unloaded everything
I then made my way to the mailbox.

It was raining.
Not fun. I almost decided to wait until tomorrow to check the mail.
I convinced myself there was nothing but bills and offers for free trial gym memberships.
And those can wait another day. Or skip themselves to the trash. Either option was fine with me.

But I finally checked the mailbox.
Amidst the junk mail, I instantly saw an envelope from Social Security.
And then another.

Oh. Dear.

There was an instant knot in my stomach.
My perfectly fine, perfectly normal, perfectly good day came to a crashing halt.
My stomach ulcers started to revolt.

I pulled both envelopes to the top of the pile.
And thought for a minute.
Would they really send me TWO denial letters?
Well, yes. I bet they would.
And really? It has only been about 3 weeks since I turned all of the paperwork in.
The letters were probably requesting more information.
Or denying us benefits.
Or … whatever.
It was too early for good news.

I’ve never been one for surprises. And those little envelopes had a shock inside.
Could be good. Could be bad. I had no idea which.

After nearly fifteen seconds that felt like a mind-jarring eternity, I couldn’t stand the suspense any longer.
I tore into the heftier letter first, convinced it was chock full of information for filing an appeal for a denied application.

Imagine my sheer surprise -and instant gratefulness, humility and thankfulness- when I read the opening statement.
“Dear Chad L. Lanford,
You are entitled to monthly disability benefits beginning May 2010.”

You cannot imagine the weight that disappeared from my heavy shoulders. In an instant.
I almost ran back from the mailbox.
Mostly because it was raining.
But also because I wanted to scream, yell, hoot & holler (that’s what Southern girls do, after all)!
I got teary eyed, just in time for Cailyn to see.
“What’s the matter, Mama?”, she asked.
“Oh – these are happy tears, baby!”
She hasn’t heard of happy tears. Or at least, not recently enough for her to remember.

Oh, were they ever tears of happiness!
Tears of tremendous joy.
Tears of frustration solved.
Tears of anxiety remedied.
Tears of sheer thankfulness.
Tears of gratitude for a prayer I prayed too often in the last few months.

I know so many of you have been praying for our family, and for Chad specifically.
I thank you. Each and every one of you, for the prayers you lift up for our family.
God hears us!

Comments

skye, February 5th 2010 | Posted in Chad, Chatter, the girls

Frustrated with medications — again.

1 truck & snow 020

Chad was originally scheduled to see Dr. Tatter, Dr. Lesser & receive an MRI on February 8. But, of course, that appointment was canceled because Dr. T had to be out of town. The next best date they could schedule? MARCH 4.
This just frustrates me beyond belief.
The main reason I’m annoyed is that Chad is nearly out of medications for pain.
I call to get a refill and to talk to the PA about trying something different. This is a conversation we have nearly every month.

He (the PA) really wants to help Chad. He says he’s going to look into a few other options & call me back.
Great.
A few hours pass, and he does call back.
Only to let me know that Chad is on the strongest dose of the strongest medicine they want him on right now.
In other words, they won’t give him anything different until they see him in the clinic.
I ask, specifically, what drugs are next in line — and I’m told “heavy-duty narcotics. Morphine. Dilaudid. But….”
There is always a ‘but‘.
“…but we don’t want to put him on those until we see him in the clinic and assess his pain level.”
When I explain that we won’t be back until MARCH FOURTH, he admits that’s a long time, but he’s sorry – there’s nothing else they can put Chad on until then. He understands that his currents meds take an HOUR or more to kick in, and they only make Chad tired. The medications don’t really do anything for the pain.

And I understand, too.
We’re getting to the point with pain medications where it’s a fine balance between controlling pain and doping Chad up. I don’t want Chad to suffer through either of those options.
I want him pain-free.
And I want him to be him, at least as much as he can be now.

It’s also important to note that when Chad goes for an appointment and they are assessing his pain level, he always downplays it. They ask, “how are you?”, he says, “okay.”
He doesn’t elaborate.
He doesn’t tell them that he is in bed because his head hurts too bad to sit up and get out.
He doesn’t tell them that his memory is getting worse, daily.
He doesn’t tell them that he often forgets which pain meds he’s taken.
Or how often he took them.
Or, if he didn’t.

I know the doctors and PAs think I am blowing things out of proportion.
But…I don’t really care what they think.

I don’t think Chad knows how to clearly define the way he does feel on a regular basis. For instance, he’s been out of bed a little more than normal lately. I always think that means he’s feeling marginally better. And he always reminds me that he’s not feeling better; he’s just used to it and trying to move forward.

He really does want to get out and see his friends, do things. But he just can’t.
He can’t handle noise or talking or too many people.
He really does miss everyone though – I guarantee you!

Comments

skye, February 3rd 2010 | Posted in Chad

My semi-regular Chad update

I apologize for not updating on Chad more regularly.
There’s just not much to say.
No change really. He’s still in pain.
He has been taking less pain medication — only because he feels like it has lost it’s effectiveness.
He is still battling insomnia and fatigue; a constant struggle.

He did tell me he feels a little less “foggy”; as in, he feels he can think a little more clearly. Sometimes.
His memory isn’t getting better, at all. I hesitate to say it’s getting worse; it’s just not getting better.

***

Last week, Chad called me while I was out an about.
He couldn’t remember how to set the timer on the microwave.
I walked him through it.
Also, last week, he forgot how to use the remote for the television. Not the basic functions; but how to pause the on-demand programming with Time Warner Cable.
I walked him through it.

***

My mom held down the fort while I was gone over the weekend for H+R’s weeding.
She said Chad was up and moving around quite a bit — which I kind of suspected. He felt like he needed to be up for the girls, since I wasn’t here. I think he successfully tired himself out!

This week, he’s surprised the girls (and me!) by getting up relatively early to eat breakfast with them before school. Then he goes back to bed shortly thereafter. I must admit, it’s been nice having an extra set of hands to help me get the little Lanford ladies ready for school in the mornings. He’s usually in bed until around 1pm, when Cailyn & I return for the day.

***

I have been thinking about doing a fundraiser for a while now.
Stay tuned for details about this event!

***

We successfully sold Chad’s truck this week. I advertised it for less than a week and it was G-O-N-E.
I think Chad felt better once he met the family that planned to purchase the Sport Trac. We definitely hated to see it go; but we are also happy that the new owners will take as good of care of it as Chad did.
Thanks to all of you who helped get the word out about the truck — I really appreciate your support.

Comments

skye, January 28th 2010 | Posted in Chad, Chatter
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