Out of the blue

Grief is a wild, untamed thing.

An animal all its own, with fangs that sink in to hold you paralyzed when you least expect it.
An animal that hides deep in the woods, making you forget just enough and feel just safe enough to forget about the vulnerability that you cast aside.
And when you think you are safe, when you think you have found a place to hide that seems quite like a blissfully transparent paradise, grief comes. Quick and without warning.
It sucker punches you; leaves you breathless and then just walks away – ever waiting to pounce again.

I suppose it’s the time of year.
This time last year was just so…well, the sadness was palatable.
While in the middle of it, I could vividly recall every single detail.
Now, my memory has faded some.
Honestly, someone asked me the date of Chad’s death.
And I couldn’t remember. I knew the date range; but I couldn’t be sure about the actual day. That shocked me.

So, like an idiot, I went to the blog entries from last October and November.
And I cried yesterday. For two hours.
Just remembering the worst time of my life, the last days with my best friend.

Right now, I see the leaves scattered on our lawn and some of the memories come flooding back; like someone holding my head under water without letting me get a full breath above the surface first. I can smell the Hospice Home, I can see the light streaming through his room with the doors wide open, I can feel the heaviness in the air resting upon me like a steel jacket. Almost a year. It can’t really be.

One year ago, I made that sweet video of Chad telling the girls he loved them (click to see it).
One year ago tomorrow, to be exact.
It feels like yesterday. It feels like a lifetime ago.
I watched that clip a few times yesterday, searching the features of his face.
He smiled after saying their names, which was allll him. I didn’t prompt him to do that. He loved his girls.

Those eyes. I miss them.
The way they followed me around the room.
The way they talked to me without words.
The certain way they closed half way when he laughed.
The way I look into them now, even in his absence, every time I look at our girls.

I am in a place that I’ve been longing to get to; a place all my own.
I am enjoying everything I can; filling up my glass until it runs over.
But sometimes, out of the blue, the grief monster comes to visit.
Thankfully, his visits are less frequent than I ever would have imagined they could be a year ago.
What it lacks in frequency is surely made up by intensity.

I’ve made great strides this year; I’ve come far.
I’m not exactly where I want to be, but I’m closer than I was yesterday.
That’s enough.
I know what’s on the horizon and I know God has something wonderful for me and these girls of mine.

People have asked me how I’m doing so well, despite everything.
Honestly, it was all in preparation. We had the opportunity to discuss things – not everyone has the opportunity to do that.
He wanted me to be happy; he wanted me to take my time to give my best and then get back to it…get back to life.
If you knew Chad well, you know that this is so true.
We talked about my future a lot; the things he wanted for me, what he wanted for the girls.
When he couldn’t speak, he even went as far as to take off my wedding rings, place them in my palm and close my hand around them.
He released me from the guilt of surviving, of being his survivor, of living a life that would contain happiness again.
So selfless of him, really. I am ever thankful.

As this final month approaches in the first year’s journey, I’m ready for the unknown.
I’m prepared to cry. To be mad. To cry some more.
And to stand back up and get back to it.
To be happy and not feel guilty for it.
To chase my dreams, laugh every day and dare the grief monster from stealing my joy.

Blog-no-more

Where have I been?

Here, there and everywhere.

I’ll try to catch you up as quickly as possible…

I have taken on way too much with far too little time.
I won’t be here much.

School x 3 in this house is quite tricky.
I am on an indefinite hiatus from photography.
I still love it. I just can’t give it my full attention and that’s not fair to anyone.

As for the blog, I have grown tired of my own words.
I need to start focusing on the future instead of drowning in the past.

I plan to keep the blog here for a while; at least until I decide what to do with it.
My only goal is to preserve it for the girls, and once I get that under control, I may let the domain lapse.

I am doing well; fabulous, actually.
Finally.
I know who I am.
I know what I want.
And I’m going to get it.

The girls are also doing well – growing and learning and amazing me every day.
Carys just started the 2nd grade. She loved it.
Cailyn starts kindergarten in two weeks.

I kicked my coffee habit over the Summer.
Then it came back this week.

We’re in the process of rehoming two of our three dogs.
I just cannot do it all.
The superwoman cape is going to be hung up for a while.
I’m doing what I need to do, focusing on the girls and finding my new happy.

Thanks for the support, y’all.
I couldn’t have done it without you.

xoxo,
Skye

Cancer cannot

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* This photo is courtesy of my dear friend Leigh,
who saw this sign & shared it with me.

Last day of Summer

So today was the last day of our Summer vacation.
Carys starts school tomorrow as a FIRST GRADER. I can hardly believe it.

We had so much to do today, and we got it all done.
We saw Chad right after lunch time, and we literally stayed for 5 minutes.
Cailyn spent ALL morning drawing him pictures and she was so excited to show him.
He was so tired and didn’t really want the kids to be there – I could tell by his eyes getting wide as silver dollars the moment they entered the room. He was a little agitated with Cailyn for something mundane — and slapped her in the noggin a few times. Poor girl. She was heart broken and ended up folding her pictures up and putting them in her purse.
They both got to give him a kiss on the arm before we left.
And I got to speak with the doctor briefly — only to ask about his fever and such. Still running a fever, still no appetite. They are slowly weaning off the steroids so Chad doesn’t have any withdrawal symptoms. And they are slowing down one of his seizure meds because it seems to be in therapeutic level, according to a blood test they did yesterday.

Carys was upset that she didn’t get to see Daddy for very long and cried on the way home.
I assured them we would try again tomorrow.
I hope it’s a better visit for their sakes.

Anyway — here are some shots from today. We had a nice little rain shower this evening and I let the girls just run around and be kids! They had so much fun … which is my wish for them every single day of their life. Our Ultimate Summer may have been cut short, but I hope we crammed enough good memories in to last them for a while!

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And a shot of a dragonfly that was just begging to have his picture taken a little over a week ago. I’ve never really seen one this close before; they usually buzz away just as quickly as they land.
He looks like he has a little smile painted on his face, doesn’t he?

dragonfly 007

Bad night

We had a terrible night.
Chad fell.
A lot.
A few of the falls were definitely seizures.
The others were him being disoriented in his own home.

I am so exhausted.
He is so bruised.

Yesterday, in the few moments before his meds kicked in, he looked me straight in the face and said, “this sucks.”

It does.
It sucks.

There are no words to accurately depict the emotions, exhaustion, anxiety and desperation.

None.

So sucks will do.

I feel like my girls are being punished for being kids.
I’m constantly telling them to be quiet or ushering them off to another room to play quietly by themselves.
I am not able to mother them right now, and that breaks my heart.
I cannot handle mothering them when I am constantly hovering & mothering my husband.

I certainly hope today is a better day.
It hasn’t started off well, with Chad falling several times since midnight.
But there is always hope.

Right?

The Ultimate Summer in Photos, Round 1

I’m too tired to write a full post, but I did want to show you what we were up to this past week.

Great Wolf Lodge (Concord) – LOVED!
Lazy 5 Ranch – LOVED!
Discovery Place – LOVED!

We leave for Beaufort next week, so stayed tuned for the second installment of our Summer :)

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Scenes from the 4th

JULY 2010

Best Friends

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A Prayer in Spring

Oh, give us pleasure in the flowers today;
And give us not to think so far away
As the uncertain harvest; keep us here
All simply in the springing of the year.

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Oh, give us pleasure in the orchard white,
Like nothing else by day, like ghosts by night;
And make us happy in the happy bees,
The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.

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And make us happy in the darting bird
That suddenly above the bees is heard,
The meteor that thrusts in with needle bill,
And off a blossom in mid air stands still.

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For this is love and nothing else is love,
To which it is reserved for God above
To sanctify to what far ends he will,
But which it only needs that we fulfill.

A Prayer in Spring
Robert Frost

Snow Day #2

And….school is officially canceled for tomorrow!

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