Four Months

I’ve just spent a third of a year without you.
Before this, I never could have imagined what a third of a day, a third of a week, a third of a month or a third of a year would feel like without you.
But you are here.
You are everywhere.

I see little things every day that remind me of you.
I have been flooded with memories from our life together that I hadn’t thought about in years.
Happy, happy times. Before all of this.
And it’s enough to keep me going.
It’s enough to make me feel loved beyond the space that separates us.
It’s enough to make me feel so lucky to have experienced so much life with you in such a short amount of time.
Some people never have it; they never are as lucky as we were. I am thankful for that.

Tears are still shed. Every day.
But there is also laughter and a bit of joy creeping back into our life.

The girls are happy and adjusting so well.
We talk about you all the time and I see so much of you in each of them, in different ways.

They have good days and bad days, much like I do.
They are enjoying memories from the better times and I am thankful that those memories are the ones they seem to recall so vividly.

It will forever break my heart that they will miss so many things in life without you by their side.
I feel fortunate that we did have some time to prepare for the future. You left things for the girls; things they will treasure and help them fully understand how much you love them and wanted to be there for all of their accomplishments and steps in life.

Last night, I had another dream about you that jolted me from sleep.
I heard your voice call my name so clearly in my dream that it woke me up, scanning the room for you.
For a split second, I truly felt as if I’d been sleeping for the last year or so; a terrible nightmare that simply wasn’t true.
I always feel this way immediately after I wake up – like it’s just not real. It’s just not my life.
It is. And I accept it. It doesn’t make me wish it wasn’t so, though.

Group therapy at Hospice has been a wonderful tool to me and to the kids.
I am thankful that those wonderful people are in our lives, although I often wish I never had the opportunity to meet them.
I wish you were still here. I wish you were still here and healthy. I wish you were still here and enjoying this crazy life we built from dreams and late night talks.

But you are here.
You are everywhere.


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3 Responses to Four Months

  1. Vanessa Dorsey says:

    Tears sting my eyes. I pray for you and your girls on a regular basis. I ask God to comfort the Lanford girls 🙂 I may never meet you but your beautiful expressions of love touch my heart.
    Vanessa Dorsey

  2. Pastorron7 says:

    I am so glad that Godmade you two a part of my life. I do not undertsand the “why” of this, but I accept God's love and His sovereinty. Someday, when we have eternity together, this will all seem so distant and we'll know the why. Stay strong and draw closer to our heavenly Father, who is a “Father to the fatherless.”

  3. Maryava11 says:

    so sweet, I really like this 'letter'

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