My body is exhausted.
I sleep and sleep and sleep.
Yet I still feel like I’ve been running around all day.
My poor children know to keep it quiet when Mommy has to rest or take a nap.
I feel bad for them; but it won’t be forever.
I’ve started the arduous task of really cleaning the house; clearing out things that don’t need to be here anymore.
Goodwill loves me; I am donating as much as I can.
The garbage men probably hate me because my trash and recycle bins have been overflowing for the last few weeks.
And while it feels good to reclaim some of the physical space in my home, it’s amazing what it also does for my mind.
There is so much clutter here, things that don’t quite fit anymore: clothes, furniture, paperwork, regrets.
I will admit that it is absolutely overwhelming to reduce a person’s life to a few boxes here and there.
I peer into the cardboard and see a career, a life, a family, a future.
It is hard.
A lot harder than I expected.
But it’s also liberating to find those key things that link you to a person’s soul.
Things that bring memories flooding back; pictures and shirts and cologne and running shoes.
I feel like I am able to think a little more clearly the last few days; the fog is lifting.
Or maybe I am finally pushing it away.
Some people think I’ve been in a cocoon.
Maybe I have.
It wasn’t my intention.
The girls and I will be attending family therapy sessions starting in late February.
Next week, I’ll be heading over to talk to our counselor on my own.
I feel like the girls are getting what they need; now it’s time to take the same opportunity for myself.
I’ve been writing.
I’ve been talking, when I feel like it.
I share a lot here because it’s easier for me…it’s less emotional for me and it still gives everyone a chance to know what’s going on, without me having to regurgitate the details over and over.
I’m walking an emotional tightrope, or haphazardly meandering through a highly sensitive emotional mine field.
I need someone to help me maneuver it.
This loss is still so fresh, not quite three months.
I’ve mourned and grieved for a lot longer than that; probably for the last year (at least).
Things will never be the same.
I just have to find a new normal.
I am trying to embrace my role of being a single stay-at-home mom to two rambunctious girls…and I will admit that I want to run and hide sometimes.
This is not what I wanted.
But it’s here and there is nothing I can do about it.
All in time.