Mental Fitness

My body is exhausted.
I sleep and sleep and sleep.
Yet I still feel like I’ve been running around all day.
My poor children know to keep it quiet when Mommy has to rest or take a nap.
I feel bad for them; but it won’t be forever.

I’ve started the arduous task of really cleaning the house; clearing out things that don’t need to be here anymore.
Goodwill loves me; I am donating as much as I can.
The garbage men probably hate me because my trash and recycle bins have been overflowing for the last few weeks.

And while it feels good to reclaim some of the physical space in my home, it’s amazing what it also does for my mind.
There is so much clutter here, things that don’t quite fit anymore: clothes, furniture, paperwork, regrets.

I will admit that it is absolutely overwhelming to reduce a person’s life to a few boxes here and there.
I peer into the cardboard and see a career, a life, a family, a future.
It is hard.
A lot harder than I expected.
But it’s also liberating to find those key things that link you to a person’s soul.
Things that bring memories flooding back; pictures and shirts and cologne and running shoes.

I feel like I am able to think a little more clearly the last few days; the fog is lifting.
Or maybe I am finally pushing it away.
Some people think I’ve been in a cocoon.
Maybe I have.
It wasn’t my intention.

The girls and I will be attending family therapy sessions starting in late February.
Next week, I’ll be heading over to talk to our counselor on my own.
I feel like the girls are getting what they need; now it’s time to take the same opportunity for myself.

I’ve been writing.
I’ve been talking, when I feel like it.
I share a lot here because it’s easier for me…it’s less emotional for me and it still gives everyone a chance to know what’s going on, without me having to regurgitate the details over and over.

I’m walking an emotional tightrope, or haphazardly meandering through a highly sensitive emotional mine field.
I need someone to help me maneuver it.

This loss is still so fresh, not quite three months.
I’ve mourned and grieved for a lot longer than that; probably for the last year (at least).
Things will never be the same.
I just have to find a new normal.

I am trying to embrace my role of being a single stay-at-home mom to two rambunctious girls…and I will admit that I want to run and hide sometimes.

This is not what I wanted.
But it’s here and there is nothing I can do about it.
Push forward.
Love them.
Love myself.

All in time.

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5 Responses to Mental Fitness

  1. Carla says:

    I am no counselor, I can't even begin to know how to help you and your kiddos through this extremely tough time. I pray for you continuously. I want to call more often but don't know what to say. I want to give you time to heal but I am selfish and want my friend to talk to now because I miss you. I am there for you when you need me always. I am ready for winter to be over. I love you,

  2. Maryava11 says:

    counseling is such a good idea for you, I dont know how youve been the support system for your girls without that special attention for yourself! I really hope it helps <3

  3. Bruce Ham says:

    I just stumbled on your blog – sent to me by a friend. I'm going through the same thing – lost my wife last February. It's been 11 months for me. At times, it is much easier. At times, not so much. I too have started a blog – much of it is humorous – a guy learning to raise three daughters with a live in 32 year old brother in law to help – we call ourselves the real full house. Stay strong. Look for humor. Seek support.

  4. Dawn says:

    You do not know me but I have been following your story. You have been a real blessing to me and an encouragement. I lost my father January 12, quite suddenly. We were very close and even talked about when the day would come when would be in heaven. He was a believer and that is what is helping me. I myself have been in a fog, having to deal with closing out his affairs, taking care of my family( I have a 5 children, one of which is handicapped). I really have not grieved for my loss, but I know I will be coming “down”. I know my God will be there to lift me up.

  5. Jo says:

    I was introduced to your story from In ways you can't imagine you are an encouragement to many. Now add me to the list. Lifting you up in prayer.

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