The first day without you

Today, I woke up and glanced at the clock.
And scolded myself for not getting out of bed.
I would surely hit traffic on the way to visit you at the Hospice Home.

Then it hit me.

Not today.

I would not be going to see you today.
We have been married for 3,385 days.
In that time, we’ve only been apart a handful of times.
And during those times, we always spoke on the phone. Usually multiple times a day.

But not today.

And not ever again.

The grief counselor came to see the girls today.
And I think it’s safe to say that Carys is waffling between anger and sorrow. If there is a difference right now.
She’s been pulling me into my bedroom every couple of hours just to be held and talk about you.

I went ahead and gave the girls their fingerprint necklaces this morning.
They were so proud to be wearing your fingerprint close to their heart, literally.
Cailyn was reduced to frantic screaming and tears when she broke her chain.
But we fixed it. Good as new.

I also talked to the girls today about your service on Saturday.
They didn’t quite understand why I was walking around the house, pulling pictures and other things to take with us there.
So, I told them we were just having a Memory Party for you.
And it is.
Daddy’s Memory Party.
They seem to like the sound of that better anyway.
I guess I do, too.

Carys asked me if Jesus had a chef in Heaven.
And I explained to her that Heaven was Paradise – with any and everything you would ever need.
All your favorites.
And she quickly asked if Jesus’ chef would know how to make chocolate chip cookies the way you like them.
And I assured her you would have your cookies.
Then she told me that if the chef didn’t have the chocolate chips in the brown bag (Hershey’s), she could mail some to you.
I chuckled.
And she checked to make sure you would have some milk, too.
I assured her you would have your milk. And that, finally, you would feel like eating.
She smiled and told me she was glad.
Sweet girl. Who misses you so very much.

She wanted to write a message to you on your quilt today.
She told me, “Write this, Mama….As high as the sky, as deep as the ocean. I love you, Daddy.”
For years, this is what I have told the girls every night before they go to bed.
I was so touched that she wanted to share that with you.

Today was the first day without you.
I survived.
It was hard.
But we did it.

And tomorrow is another new day.
The start of a new life.
A life without you.
It doesn’t seem possible that you’re really gone.
I remember like it was yesterday, walking into our home for the first time.
You had painted all the rooms by yourself while I was busy packing the the other house.
You were so proud.
And I was so proud of you.
Just walls and doorways I pass through, now.
But I promise to find a way to fill this home with laughter again.

I really hope you know I am trying to do everything you wanted me to do.
It’s so hard.
But I am trying.

This entry was posted in Chad, Chatter, the girls. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to The first day without you

  1. Cmoursler says:

    Hi, the fingerprint necklaces are a great idea…I hope you have one for you too. I guess it's just one day at a time. Way to get through it. I hope the memory party is a good experience for your girls. YOu have done a tremendous job keeping that involved and informed. In the long run, it will do a world of good, even if it hurts so bad now. Still thinking of you all and praying for you, even though you don't know me from a hill of beans.

  2. Sharon says:

    Skye, I am so sorry to hear of Chad's death. My prayer is that you find peace and comfort in the days ahead. I wish I could be there to give you a hug.

    Sharon (your friend from

  3. Noellesandiford says:

    Heartbreaking yet such strength. Love and prayers

  4. Troyevelynmike says:

    Skye, This is Lyn Troy and I am Debi Terry's mom. I have never met you but over the last few months have read your updates here. I wanted to let you know that when Debi named our granddaughter Skye I wondered where she got the name and was told it was you. Now after reading your notes and seeing the love you and Chad shared and the strength you have had I can only pray and hope that our Skye is as remarkable as you are when she is an adult. I have never known a woman that is more loving and remarkable. I know that with your strength, belief in GOD and the love you have for your girls and Chad you will make it through this and be an even stronger woman. GOD blessed both you and Chad when you found each other and your girls are Very lucky to have had Chad as their father and you as their mother. I know you will make it through this and because of your writings I am positive the girls will never forget the wonderful love you and CHAD shared. That love is the best gift the two of you could have given them no matter how short the time. GOD BLESS you and the girls.

  5. Beth J. from Georgia says:

    Skye, I have been reading your blog for quite a while and just wanted to let you know you have been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be. I have 2 daughters and really can't imagine how hard this must be, but my heart is broken for you. May God give you and your daughters, grace and the peace that passeth all understanding!

  6. Allyson says:

    Your memory party sounds like a beautiful tribute to a great man. You can tell what wonderful parents you and Chad have been, because those girls are the absolute sweetest. Their grief is palpable, but your willingness to continue your family's legacy will provide you joy you seek, eventually anyway. My heart and prayers are with you in this difficult time.

    I read a quote recently that said, “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” I pray for your strength in the coming days. God bless you and your girls.

  7. april edwards says:

    In search of words, can't find any you haven't heard.. Or any that I can feel would make you feel better.. But am still praying for yall and always will..

    Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

    Psalm 30:5 Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

    april edwards

  8. Colleen Eckert says:

    Skye.. This is Colleen Eckert and I am Ginny and John Eckert's Daughter. I have read your blog numerous times and wished that the years and the Great times would last forever and that Chad would miraculously get better. I am sorry that that did not happen but I believe in my Heart of Hearts that Chad is smiling down on us all and he would tell us that he is ok now and that he will always be watching over us All… My Thoughts and Prayers and with you all Always… Hugs and Kisses to you all… God Bless You and the Girls..

  9. Pingback: The first 24 hours with my husband |

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