6 years =
2,192 days =
52,608 hours =
3,156,480 minutes

Not one of those 189,388,800 seconds has passed without the three of us missing you. The hurt is always there, looming in the background.
Sometimes, its presence is subtle and quiet.
Sometimes, it screams for attention. Like today, for example.

Another year has passed without you here.
Life keeps going on; the earth takes another slow dance around the sun.
The seasons change. The girls are changing. I am changed and changing.

It never gets any easier to think about today’s date and its significance.

Funny how the mind works when you’re sleeping…I’m always subconsciously trying to get to you. To get you back. To be where ever you are.
When I’m awake, I know that’s not possible. But dreaming? You’re always there, somewhere, all the time.

Over the years, I’ve had dreams that we “just” got a divorce.
Isn’t that crazy?
That would come with it’s own pain; a different kind of grief would be attached. After all, it’s the death of a marriage, death of a relationship.
In my dream, I’ve reasoned that the girls would still have you in their lives – which would make it okay.
The mind is always working to explain things the heart cannot understand.

Carys will be 13 soon. She’s looking forward to the card and gift you left for her 13th birthday. There will be tears, but there will also be joy in knowing you chose the gift for her.
She misses you more than she can express. I’m proud of the emotional growth she has shown, even if it has been slow at times. She does things in her own way, in her own time; I’m learning to embrace that about her personality. It’s difficult for me at times, but I am learning to navigate the Tween years the best I can.
She’s a fun mix of the both of us. She’s sweet and daring, and even a bit sarcastic. She still loves swimming and hopes to ditch her glasses for contacts soon. She’s an amazing kid, honestly. You would be so proud of her.

Cailyn is 10…and looks so much like you it takes my breath away at times. She’s funny and helpful. She loves to make DIY videos right now, which is hilarious and frustrating at the same time. She’s a fierce friend who takes school pretty seriously. She will still hold my hand in pubic and likes to snuggle all the time. She’s pretty awesome – and doesn’t make me question my mothering abilities (yet…I know that’s coming, too).

I’m eager to complete nursing school; I should graduate next Summer. The girls and I will then decide where to go from there and how we will arrange our lives, yet again. All good things moving forward though – which is an amazing light at the end of this educational tunnel I’ve put myself in.

We would have celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary a couple of months ago.
Sometimes, I’ll hear a woman complain that her husband didn’t buy the right item at the grocery store or didn’t get her obvious hints for an elaborate anniversary gift. I quietly scold them in my head, all the while being jealous of their lack of deep hurt. They don’t know what I know. I would never wish it on them, either.

I can never adequately explain how your death has changed me, shaped me and continues to direct me. I just can’t find the words. I hope my life does you, and us, justice.  I hope my tears reach you – I hope they somehow convey my heart the way words simply cannot.

We miss you, always and forever.

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4 Responses to six

  1. Cathy Bunce says:

    I didn’t realize you were blogging again. You are an amazing woman: You have been through so much in your short time on this earth. You are wise beyond your years. The girls are beautiful combination of you and Chad. You share your thoughts and feelings so eloquently. Thank you for sharing, it has helped me more than you’ll ever know.

  2. Lyn Troy says:

    GOD BLESS you and Your girls. I know Chad is watching over you all the time and is proud of how you have moved forward after a devistating loss. Take care of yourself and try to be happy again. Chad would have wanted all of you to be happy. Memories can be treasured but don’t forget to make new ones. We are Debi Terry’s parents and we admire you for the woman you are and your strength. We think of you often and Debi always speaks highly of you and I know she loved Chad. She misses Chad and never forgets him, you and the girls. For a young woman you are wise beyond your years and the love and devotion you still share and show for Chad amazes me. I am sure it helps your girls a lot as they go through the years without him. The gifts Chad left for his girls is priceless and will be treasured forever as they will know he loved them more than anything in this world and now from beyond this earth he is sharing those moments with them.

    • Skye says:

      I am happy, but I understand what you mean. One day, I may find someone to share my life with. But right now? I’m content focusing all of my attention on my girls and these tumultuous teenage years.
      There are certain days that trigger such immense sadness. I am happy though ❤️

  3. Peggy Seymore says:

    I know that Chad would be so proud of your schooling but also how wonderfully you have raised the girls. Veteran Day is the day that brings tears to my eyes.
    I think of you and your girls often. If you ever need a place to stay when you are in Raleigh, please call me. Thank you for all the Facebook updates.

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