Happy 35th Birthday

Dear Chad,

There is a song that tugs at my heart each time I hear it – If Heaven Wasn’t So Far Away. It’s a country song. You wouldn’t like it.

If Heaven Wasn’t So Far Away

I wish I could pack up the kids and got to Heaven for the day.
I wish they could give you a hug.
I wish they could remember your face more vividly.

I wish I could make you your favorite things, pack them in a wicker basket, tuck it in the back seat of my car and just go.
Go to Heaven.
Just for the day.
So I can remember your laugh.
And your smell.
Your smile.
So I can see these sweet little girls sit on your lap and laugh contagiously.

The girls were with Nana this week for Spring Break, just as last year on your birthday.
They had a little celebration; had dinner, released balloons on the beach to one of your favorite songs – Black Betty.
There were no tears this year. Just love. How you would have wanted it, I know.

There are so many days I wish I could pick up the phone and ask your advice.
You always knew how to handle a situation. And you had back-up plans. And back-up plans for your back-up plans that went awry.
I try to think like you when I’m in a jam.
It’s just not the same.

Life is continuing at full-speed.
Not much I, or anyone else, can do about it.
The kids grow.
They learn.
This week becomes next and before you know it, six months have passed.
They are getting so big.
Growing and learning and doing and being so good!
They are such wonderful little souls and if we ever did anything right, it was them.

I’m doing well.
A few hard times over the last year or so, but I’ve learned that’s just the way life is.
Whenever I’m in a tight spot, I always think to myself, “I’ve been through worse.”
I hate that I have been.
And I hate that using our unfortunate circumstance has become a ruler by which I gauge anything “bad” that can ever happen in my life.

Funny that way it is – the way life sucker punches me  and expects me to wake up the next morning, every morning, moving on like nothing ever happened. And then I see something beautiful, like the sun rays shining from the clouds on my drive home…and I realize that life is so beautiful and fleeting and I am so lucky. I have wrinkles and laundry piles and notes from the girls and slobbery dog kisses and people in my life that make me appreciate it all.

Like you.
You have made me appreciate it all.
Thank you.
We love you.
We miss you.

Happy Birthday!