Today, I felt like a nervous high schooler.
Knots in my stomach, sweat on my brow.
It wasn’t really a big deal. But then again, it is.
I applied for the Fall semester at our local community college.
I’d made my mind up a while ago, but there always seemed to be something that took my attention off actually submitting the application.
No time like the present.
No time to be timid.
Time to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, with my time, with my passions.
My phrase of the day:
Fearlessness. Apply daily.
I typed a few things on an online application, printed out a few documents and pushed send. (Then took a heckuva deep breath…)
I could, potentially, start school on August 15.
I say potentially because there are a few things that might sway my decision — as in how long the degree will take and how many of my classes from UNC-Chapel Hill will transfer over, if any.
We will see how it goes.
And I will keep you posted.
The girls were on Spring Break last week and had a whirlwind vacation.
We started at Great Wolf Lodge with our neighbors.
All of us had a lot of fun – it was great to let the kids run and play and scream and get waterlogged for a few days.
The girls and I then came home for a brief breather before heading to Beaufort for Easter weekend.
I felt a little conflicted about leaving town for the holiday weekend. We’ve always gone to church on Easter.
But this is a different year, and if there was any time to do something different…this is that year.
I started to hyperventilate about finding matching Easter dresses and white shoes – so my mind was made up pretty quickly.
The first day was a little chilly, but every other day was simply gorgeous. We didn’t want to leave.
And we didn’t want to get back into the carpool, lunchbox and homework routine.
I just keep repeating to myself: June 9, last day of school. We can make it!!!
Despite our frantic (and hot!) search this past Summer, we never saw the Shackleford ponies.
But this time…we did. The girls were most excited about that.
We did a lot of walking and shell searching and talking and eating and daydreaming and goofing and remembering.
The last time we were in Beaufort, Chad was with us. It was the start of his decline, so that was a little hard to think back upon.
Last year for Spring Break, Chad & I took the girls to the zoo.
I remember worrying that the walking would be too much for him. But he powered through it. He was exhausted at the end, but he did it.
It just doesn’t seem like that long ago that he was here. And stable.
Frequently, I just have to do something to keep busy from thinking about it all.
So, we keep busy.
The busier, the better.
It seems that everything we do, everywhere we go, has a memory attached to it.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing.
The girls and I are at a good point in our grief journey. At least for now…
Until recently, we were all pretty emotional. Rightly so. The tiniest thing would set us off into a tailspin of tears and suffocating memories.
And while we are not healed, and never will be, we are embracing the now. We’re looking back at the past with good memories, laughter, love and the knowledge that we survived the most tragic thing that will ever happen to our family.
We miss him.
But we are doing okay. We are doing things that make us happy.
We cry a little less, laugh a little more, and are focusing most on the good memories of the best of times.
The ability to talk openly about Chad without sadness, but laughter at remembering his fun spirit, is refreshing.
I was longing to get to this point.
I am so glad we’re here.
Right now anyway – for who knows what will happen tomorrow or next week.
Grief will come in waves, in cycles, for a while yet.
It’s just nice to have a reprieve at the moment.