Almost Christmas

It’s so hard for me to believe that Christmas is right around the corner. The last month has been a fog. A self-induced, busy fog.
I’ve been keeping myself busy to focus on other things, to give my mind and body something to do other than cry and reminisce.
After the New Year, I will slow down. I think. I plan to, anyway.

The girls and I headed to Asheville for a quick trip to Biltmore with Shannon, Chad’s cousin and one of my best friends.
We had some wonderful travel companions, too.
We had planned a weekend to visit with Chad’s sister and niece, but she wasn’t feeling well and we didn’t get to see her. I hate that. But I also want her to take care of herself — so I hope that you are, Melynda!

We were a bit disappointed that there was no snow. A few remnants here and there, but nothing for the girls to play in. They were a little upset, but were excited to see the Biltmore — even though they did get a little tried of all the walking.
It’s a beautiful, magical place – especially at Christmas.

I think I’m done Christmas shopping.
I hope I am, really.
I made myself shop this year – to give me something to do.
And I may have gone a little overboard.
Oh, well.

The girls and I are going to NYC to celebrate the New Year with my dear friend Christelle and her hubby, Chris.
We are taking the train — which is a new experience for us all; should be interesting. The girls are very excited about it!
Being in NYC is something that was on Chad’s Bucket List, so I figured it was a perfect time to go.
My dear friends are also expecting their first baby and I couldn’t be more excited to watch their family grow. I am so excited for that; babies are such perfect little reminders of all things good.

Chad wasn’t really into Christmas.
He didn’t enjoy the commercialization of the holiday – but he did enjoy watching the girls open gifts and the excitement that filled our cozy living room on Christmas morning.
He enjoyed having time off from work to spend time with us and our extended families.

We have traditions, places we go and people we see, each year.
And this year I plan to keep those traditions.
It was a hard decision. Part of me wanted to forget the past and start new traditions.
But that’s not what it’s about.

It’s about family.
And having a good time together. Making memories to look back upon for years to come.
And celebrating the birth of a Savior that loves us unconditionally.
These are traditions I wish to keep.

It feels very strange to me that Chad is not here.
Sometimes it feels completely surreal.
Sometimes it feels like it’s always been this way.
Sometimes I wish I could go back, unsay things I said, undo things I did, unthink thoughts I had.
But it wouldn’t change anything.

I ran into one of Chad’s hospice nurses last week.
It was so good to see him, even though I didn’t quite recognize him without scrubs and the hospice environment.
Small, small world it is.

I plan to visit hospice after the New Year.
I consider each of those folks a part of our family and I really do miss talking with them and learning more about their lives outside of work. They are a phenomenal group of people.

Also after the New Year, I’m making some changes and decisions.
Some small, some large.
I’m not moving – just in case you’re wondering!
I do have some ideas about what I want to do next and who I want to be. I just need to focus on that for a bit before I unveil the master plan.

I’ve rambled.
Sorry about that.
I haven’t felt like writing and haven’t had much to say; but I thank you all for checking in here every day to see how we’re doing.
I promise we’re doing well.

And we hope that you all are, too!