Thank you!

Thank you for the anniversary wishes. We had a pretty good day compared to the last few days.

Chad didn’t quite remember it was our special day until he saw flowers on our kitchen table from our sweet friends.
When he got up this morning, he actually dressed in something a little out of his routine; khaki shorts and a polo-style shirt. I asked him if he dressed up for our anniversary, and he looked at me like I had twelve heads. And, it was morning and I hadn’t showered. So it’s quite possible I did have twelve heads…

He spent about 30 minutes trying to tell me something – and neither of us could figure out what he was trying to say.
He kept saying that we needed to go somewhere to “get something that would make it easier”. I listed a ton of possibilities but never got it right. I did find out it wasn’t a store, but a place that kinda sells things. I have no idea what that means.

Yesterday, we had a similar experience with the phrase “boiled potatoes”. I finally asked it boiled potatoes was even the right word he was trying to use and he shook his head no. The brain is so, so tricky. I can’t figure out what he’s trying to say the majority of the time because he’s not even using the right words. And he can’t. And it’s super frustrating.

Today, he followed Carys into her room and I hung out around the corner in the bathroom to eavesdrop.
“Carys…I have to tell you something…and this might not go well…”
There was a long period of silence and I stepped in to see if he needed help.
He was kind of giggling at this point and nodded yes.
I thought he was trying to tell Carys what was happening, in his own way, but he was adamant that was not the conversation he wanted to have.
But we had it anyway, just so he would be in on it this time.

He never did remember what he wanted to tell Carys.
He never did remember what he wanted to tell me.
And as frustrating as that is, I just have to deal with it. And wonder, for the rest of the day, what in the world he wanted to say.

—

I promised the girls we would go out for SnoCones, and just as we were leaving I popped in on Chad to ask if he wanted one. He said to bring him one back – and then he said he wanted to go with us. I was shocked. He hasn’t really wanted to do much of anything lately. I was thrilled, but a little apprehensive. I brought his cane along even though he didn’t want to use it today. I asked if he wanted his wheelchair (which was brought in on Monday afternoon just in case we need it), and he declined.
He had some difficulty walking, but did really well.

While enjoying our icy treats, he decided he wanted to go to dinner — like OUT to dinner. Again, I was shocked.
He’s been in bed so much since we came home last Thursday and I wasn’t expecting him to really want to go with us. But he did – and I was so thankful.

—

He turned down a visitor earlier this week, and then again today.
So if you’re scheduled to visit, please call me first just to make sure he’s up to it.

—

The hospice social worker came by this afternoon to bring some materials about their services for the girls. And for me.
Even though I know what’s to come, I find it hard to look at a brochure discussing how therapeutic it is for my girls to attend art therapy and camps, and join other kids who have lost a parent. I find it comforting, but also terrifying, to think of myself at some widow’s retreat, passing a tissue box around in a circle.
I know it will be beneficial when the time comes, but it kind of stung today.

Maybe because he’s still here. And I feel terribly guilty for making any kind of plans for a life that doesn’t include him.
Maybe it was because it was our anniversary; a day that I envisioned as remembering our wedding day on a continuous loop in my mind.
Maybe because it was Wednesday.
Maybe anything.

—

And tonight, we did go out to dinner.
I can’t tell you how nice it was to dine at the restaurant where Chad proposed to me — because he had the ring in his pocket, waiting for the right day and the right time, and couldn’t stand it anymore and just asked me to marry him right there, on the spot.

Tonight, our girls were there with us. And it was just like our little life was played out right before us, over a pot of melted cheese and giggling and  funny faces and hugs. It was nice.

And it was just what I needed.

Thank you for the wishes and calls and emails today.
We did have a really good day, and I hope that we get to sneak in a few more really good days before school starts back.